So Thursday night was my last night at school. The guy that I had been crushing on HARDCORE was ignoring me completely. So I told myself I was gonna go out and black out. I had never blacked out before but I wanted to. HAHAHA. Me and my best friend got all pretty and walked to the bar. While I was there I ran into a rugby player, one of the guy’s I liked friends. I knew him from math class and he slept with two of my friends, so there’s that. We got to talking and decided to look for my best friend. She was nowhere. The bar closed and the rugby guys had like half a pitcher of beer left. I had already had a shot, 3 long islands, and 3 cups of beer, so I was pretty drunk, but I decided to chug the pitcher. Yup that’s the first time I ever felt the need to throw up from alcohol, but I burped and it was all good. We left the bar and I found my best friend. Everything is kind of a blur, but she told me I yelled at her about something, so she left. The rugby player I was with said he’d take me to a party, so we walked. Apparently I started bawling my eyes out. For two hours. I was crying about how I’m not a slut. Like it’s a bad thing. We’d walk 10 feet and I’d stop and hug him. He told me that it was the best hugging session of his life lmao. We got to the rugby house and I was STILL bawling, saying that guys talk to me and show interest and then just give up on me. What’s worse is apparently I was crying over the rugby guy I liked. At the rugby house. Uh oh. Yeah he found out the next day. I still haven’t talked to him… But anyways, this girl at the rugby house was taking care of me, telling me I’m too pretty to cry. Eventually I just left with the rugby player I came with. He walked me back to my room. I told him I wanted to watch a movie. I just randomly picked out 27 Dresses… but I couldn’t figure out how to start it so I faceplanted onto my bed and fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up, there was a boy sleeping on my floor. We laughed. I was promptly told the story of what had happened to me. We laughed more. I went to work, and then back home. Crazy night… Now I seem crazy to the rugby guy I was crushing on. Hahaha my life.
I’m seriously having the most depressing night ever. I’m just thinking. It’s really not like me, but right now I want a relationship. I wish I had someone I could always talk to and do fun things with and cuddle with. I keep thinking about HIM. I’m so physically attracted to him. He’s perfect. But is it worth it? We can have these random sleepovers sometimes and then it’s like… nothing. He won’t even answer me, makes no effort to see me, just doesn’t care. It tears me up inside. So much. I want him. And that’s depressing me, because I know it’s not happening. That’s the worst feeling. I just wanna be invited to his bonfires and be able to laugh with him and talk for hours. I just keep thinking, I’ll never meet someone like THAT. I feel so worthless tonight. Like there must be something wrong with me…
I mean then there’s this other guy. I met him a few weeks ago. Him and his girlfriend just broke up. He’s absolutely perfect. Very handsome. He’s only had sex with two girls, doesn’t smoke, believes in God, everything I could ask for. Me being depressed tonight, I went on a walk. I mentioned that I wanted someone to talk to on twitter and he texted me. He said “Lauren wanna walk?” And we walked for a good 45 minutes just around. It feels nice that he cares enough to listen to me, despite the fact that we don’t even really know each other. I don’t know if he’s interested in me in that way though… I wish. But then I always fall back to the other guy. This is depressing.